TO BE FOUND
If you've been in my presence you would agree that I have a seemingly sunny disposition. A perfectly brilliant and humorous facade that I have carefully curated to distract from the invisible monsters that live beneath my skin. I go through radical episodes of feeling at one with the person I've conjured up to feeling so disconnected from my true self that my only hope in figuring out who I am comes from an insensate need to delete all social channels. I feel so far lost in the digital age that I've begun to think of myself as a product, rather than a person.
For as long as I can remember I've had a darkness that existed within me. However, it wasn't until a few years ago that I was formally diagnosed with anxiety and depression. In the time since being diagnosed I've seen countless professionals, been on and off a number of medications, and heard the phrase 'you must learn to love yourself' so many times you would think it was tattooed on my forehead. What a haunting phrase. Learn to love yourself... That's the problem with having anxiety and depression all at once – it's not as though I don't understand that there is a distinct hate for my being, trust me, my anxious thoughts confirm it daily. But it's the depressive nature of my being that will not allow me to do anything about the anxious thoughts. I lie in bed for what I think is two minutes, yet three hours have passed. I get so consistently lost in the nothingness that I can't fathom to complete the list of things my anxious, ever-thinking brain is worried about. It's a feeling that is so polarizing it's become difficult to take a step forward.
It's only today that I realize in order for me to take a step forward, in order for me to continue on in a way that I feel comfortable and secure with who I am is to determine just that. Who is Amy McKissock? At this point I'm entirely unsure, but I am hopeful that the next few weeks, months, and years will help get me a little closer to finding out who I am.
I hope you'll stick around as I work my way to being found.